Being as you’re reading my blog and human, at least on a genetic level, I assume that you have friends. If you thumb mentally through your list of friends you can probably name friends that are perfect for any specific situation. Say you’re planning a party, and you require help. Don’t call me, because I don’t know the first thing about party planning in any shape or form. To me, planning a part includes two steps.

1) Order the Keg
2) Await the keg deliveryman

Party!

But you might, say, know Betty. And Betty is great at planning parties. Betty knows all the secrets to party planning. She knows all about planning, research, arranging food and transport, entertainment, invitations and activities. She’s good at it. Brilliant in fact. I’ve watched her throw some killer parties as I watch over the back yard fence while myself and three friends sat along sucking beer straight from the keg.

But that’s okay, party planning is not my strong suit. What is? Well, we will get to that. People are born with skill sets, and then some of us hone those to a razor edge. Each according to his talents or aptitude. Even if you don’t KNOW someone personally, I’d bet you can call up from memory the exact person you’d need in a given situation.

Say you are in a fight. You’re walking home, and three thugs jump out from behind the nearest garbage receptacle and assume the typical martial arts stance. Why all street thugs know this I don’t know, but Chuck Norris doesn’t lie and every criminal he fights knows karate, so I have to assume that this is the case. All that high kicking in tight Levi’s also explains why none of them are singing bass, but that’s another story. Anyway, you might know a someone that is perfect for this. Even if you don’t you know someone personally that would be perfect for this, you’ll likely be able to call up a perfect mental image of someone you’d want beside you.

Everyone has a skill set, even if it isn't acting

Or you need to whip out a cake. Your  five year old is having a party and you’re intent on having a wonderful one. Betty (see above) has invited 400 guests and several heads of state. You’re a mediocre cook, and a bundt cake just won’t do. Betty has catapulted you into the next level of ‘party’ and you need something spectacular. Chances are you can summon quickly to mind who you’d want there.

See? This is easy

If you happen into a gunfight?

If you thought of anyone BUT Clint, then quit reading and go away.

Say it’s Christmas and a militant Hare Krishna sect hijacks your senior cruise.

Sic em Bruce

You can see where I am going with this. There is a person for almost every situation. Me? I’ve analyzed my strengths this year. I don’t know karate or jujitsu or even how to stand threateningly. I cannot bake. I’m passable with a gun but frankly, Clint can outglare me. And I suck at witty one liners, so I cannot even hold Bruce’s sweat towel. I am not good at social situations. I’m rather an introverted type person,  unless I’ve consumed one third of a keg on my back porch (sorry Betty, having a petting zoo at your now six year old’s party was an outstanding idea, but when you say “You cannot ride the ostrich” you should not phrase it as a challenge).

I’m a so-so writer, I am not too great with business, and I don’t really have any artistic skills.

BUT

I am a pretty fair guy mechanically. I am as I mentioned passable with a gun. I’m excellent with a grill. I can survive outside and with little or nothing. I have some first aid training and I have tons of unresolved anger issues. So, what situation am I most at home with? What situation might present itself where I would be of invaluable use? I’ve considered this for months. The only real answer I can come up with is that I am the type of person you’d need around in the event of……………………..

Don't worry. Because I am!

Yes. I might not be of any use at parties, or business meetings or alley fights. I’m a public speaking nightmare. But in the event the world is overrun by the walking dead, I am perfectly suited. I’ve taken ten or twelve online tests and they all confirm my initial thoughts. Zombies don’t care if I can bake a four tier angel food cake with buttercream icing. My cumbersome one liners fall on the already deaf ears of the mindless horde. And in a dying world, my completely inept squinting abilities are envied by their cold, unblinking eyes. And frankly it’s hard to be critical of my shooting abilities when your limbs are flying in completely opposite directions.

I’ve resolved to keep a positive outlook this year. And I can hardly be faulted if my skill set is perfectly suited for an event that is, let’s face it, at best extremely unlikely. I would however like to thank McDonalds and reality television for moving the world a bit closer each day. A few more years of Jersey Shore and I’m pretty sure we’ve waltzed right into the brainless apocalyptic world we’ve all feared. YES!!!!!!!!!!

They're brainless. Their souls are dead. Lock and Load Boys!!!

Right now I might be a bit inadequate, I agree. But really, when you’re being chased by Van Damme’s scantily clad zombie (short shorts are a poor defense, Jean-Claude!) and Chuck clings to your arm with fear in his increasingly tenor voice, who are you going to wish was there?

That’s right.

I’ll be waiting.